How to Choose a Maid of Honor: Sister or Bestie?

The best maid of honor is usually the person who is most reliable, supportive, emotionally steady, and willing to help — not simply the person others expect you to choose.

As you navigate how to plan a wedding, deciding how to choose a maid of honor and bridesmaids will be one of the most important decisions you make as a bride. Overall, your process should take into account:

• Whom you trust most under stress
• Who is most capable of showing up consistently
• Who genuinely wants the role

We spoke to wedding planner Whitney Craig, owner of Confetti Events in Kansas City, Missouri, about the finer details of how to choose your maid of honor, including what makes a good maid of honor and how to choose a maid of honor without hurting feelings​.

What Makes Someone a Good Maid of Honor?

A truly good maid of honor is a friend or family member who can offer the following:

1. Dependability when it comes to any commitments
2. Clean and open communication
3. Clear-headedness under stress
4. Planning support (without taking control!)
5. Willingness to help with wedding day-of logistics
6. Emotional support with no or low drama

The ideal maid of honor will be the one best equipped for the role, according to these standards — not the one who seems like “the right choice” based on your relationship with them.

“Your friend who loves to party and is obviously going to be out till 4 a.m. on your wedding day,” Craig says, “or will show up and bring a lot of drama, is probably not a great fit.”

Before you even consider how to find a wedding planner and begin putting together your ultimate checklist for a wedding coordinator, you’ll want to, first and foremost, prioritize choosing a maid of honor based on the above criteria.

What Does a Maid of Honor Actually Do?

The maid of honor takes on many responsibilities, including helping with planning, coordinating showers and the bachelorette party, and assisting with logistics on the wedding day.

During Wedding Planning

During the wedding planning process, the maid of honor duties include supporting the bride in overall planning, attending dress fittings, and weighing in on what you need to accomplish on the day of your wedding.

For the Bridal Shower or Pre-Wedding Events

As part of the maid of honor’s traditional duties, this individual will need to educate themselves on wedding shower customs and come up with shower ideas, as well as the bachelorette party, as they’ll play a lead role in planning both.

On the Wedding Day

On the actual wedding day, the maid of honor may provide logistical support, help the couple prepare for the ceremony, give a speech during the reception, and overall keep the bride happy and satisfied. “It’s making sure that the bride has what she needs,” Craig says, “whether that’s a reminder to drink some water or take a multivitamin. Whatever those things are, it’s nice to have somebody encourage it who’s not your mom.”

Emotional Support, Not Just Event Support

It’s also important to note that the maid of honor does not just provide event support but also provides a great deal of emotional support. They can help dampen conflicts among the wedding party, alleviate stress, and make the entire day less overwhelming.

“The key thing is to have a good attitude, to be supportive,” she says. “To still have our normal friendship, whether that means that you watch a certain movie every Christmas or have a certain happy hour or Starbucks date.
Wedding planning can be all-encompassing, and it can be nice to take a step back and just do those normal things you normally like to do with your friends.”

How Do You Choose Between Two Maid of Honor Options?

If you’re wondering how do you choose a maid of honor​ when you have two strong options (say a best friend or other close friends who are all suitable fits), use a simple scoring process, ranking each individual on a scale of 1 to 5 in the following categories:

• Reliability
• Availability
• Closeness to you
• Organizational ability
• Communication style
• Emotional steadiness

The individual doesn’t need to know how to plan a wedding (they’ll catch on pretty quickly and soon be able to tell you exactly what to do on the day of your wedding), but they should be able to provide significant logistical and emotional support.

Do You Have to Choose Your Sister as Maid of Honor?

No, you do not have to choose your sister. When it comes to how do you choose your maid of honor​, you can simply decide to make her one of the other bridesmaids instead (or not give her a role in the wedding at all!).

Regardless of what your family members may expect you to do, when it comes to how to plan a wedding and the support you’ll need, sometimes the women in your immediate family just aren’t the best fits.

If you need to explain your unexpected maid of honor choice to these individuals, keep the following tips in mind:

• Honestly talk about how you feel and the familial expectations
• Acknowledge your relationship and the value these people add to your life
• Explain your reasoning briefly, but in a way that avoids hurt feelings
• Offer individuals other meaningful roles in the wedding planning process, if suitable (something to definitely consider if you have multiple sisters)

For example, a sister can help the maid of honor determine what the wedding shower should be and how to best throw one, or play a role in planning other, similar pre-wedding events.

Or Craig suggests another prestigious title: personal attendant. “You’re there to help the bride, whether that’s DoorDash or delivery or a makeup artist that needs to be buzzed into the building or who’s lost in the lobby. An attendant holds the bride’s phone and their lipstick and purse. They’ll help keep things on schedule, like, ‘Hey, we need to be packing up for the bus to pick us up at the church.’ They get their hair and makeup done, and they get to go on the party bus.”

Can You Have Two Maids of Honor?

Yes, you can have multiple maids of honor, if the choice of whom to include in which specific roles in your bridal party feels impossible. Co-maids are a normal, accepted solution.

“I’ve seen people have three sisters be maids of honor,” Craig says. “There’s no limit.”

Pros of choosing co-maids: The co-maids will share responsibilities, making it easier on them, as you balance what may feel like a lot of obligations between multiple people; there’s less pressure on a singular maid of honor.

Cons of choosing co-maids: The co-maids may miscommunicate or not get along well, and they may blur responsibilities.

If you choose to have two maids of honor, define each individual’s responsibilities early on. For example, both could help you figure out how to plan a wedding that fits your vision, but one could put together a checklist for a wedding coordinator, while the other could ensure vendors are paid the day of the wedding.

What’s the Difference Between a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor?

A maid of honor is an unmarried woman and a matron of honor is a married woman, but responsibilities are generally similar. If it fits your wedding party, you can have both a maid of honor and matron of honor, with shared duties.

Furthermore, you can have a man of honor or best man (because why are we still dividing these responsibilities between the girls and a guy — if you want a brother or male best friend to stand up for you on the wedding day, go for it!), in addition to the rest of your wedding party.

Anyone who’s suitable, regardless of gender or age, can help you determine how to plan a wedding.

What If Your Best Friend Is Better for the Role Than Your Sister?

Many modern brides struggle when choosing between a best friend or a sister as the maid of honor, but you can easily decide who might be the best fit in this crucial role and who might be better as a general wedding party member, by taking into account the amount of support they can provide, your biggest wedding stressors, and the individual’s availability and location.

“Sometimes moms get involved and say instead of close friends, you have to ask all your sisters or all your cousins, or your brother’s girlfriend,” Craig says. “That’s hard because they’ve had these friends since they were in, you know, first grade, and they’ve known their brother’s girlfriend for six weeks or whatever.”

At the end of the day, you ultimately want someone who’s going to help you with questions such as how to find a wedding planner and what to do on the day of your wedding. As such, when it comes down to it, many brides find that unrelated elements like distance or familial relationships aren’t a big deal when choosing a maid of honor. The right fit will be the right fit.

What Do Real Maid of Honor Decisions Look Like?

If you’re having a difficult time envisioning what your maid of honor decision will actually look like, consider the following scenarios:

• You’re waffling over whether you should choose your best friend over your sister. Your friendship means everything to you, but you’re torn by familial obligations. Overall, you’ll need to pick the person who’s best equipped to provide the support you need throughout the wedding planning process. It’s not just the person who’ll endorse your wedding dress choice — it’s someone who can deal with the difficulties of wrangling vendors, sorting family drama on the day of, and ensuring you’re calm and collected before you walk down the aisle, no matter how you decide what to do on the day of your wedding.
• You’re stuck between two people whom you love. If both are equally fit to stand witness to your nuptials, consider opting for co-maids.
• You really wanted a very simple wedding (you don’t want to pay more money than you have to), so a traditional wedding party feels unnecessary — in this case, you can choose no maid of honor at all! “When it’s just the bride and groom and pastor or officiant standing up front,” Craig says, “it’s a different level of intimacy than having six bridesmaids on each side or something like that.”

When it comes to the most common wedding day mishaps and how to prevent them, picking the right people to stand by your side is crucial.

How Do You Choose a Maid of Honor Without Hurting Feelings?

Choose a responsible, involved maid of honor who can provide the support you need, while ensuring others aren’t hurt in the process, by adhering to the following six steps:

Following these steps will ensure that you pick a maid of honor who can help with tasks like deciding how to plan a wedding, how to find a wedding planner, and building the ultimate checklist for a wedding coordinator as easy as possible.

Maid of Honor Checklist Before You Ask Anyone

Before asking any person to act as your maid of honor on your big day, make sure you can check the following boxes:

• You know what support you need for your special day and you can set clear expectations
• You’ve clearly identified who in your family or friend group is the most reliable
• You’ve thought through your family’s reactions to whom you choose as maid of honor
• You’ve considered the possibility of co-maids
• You know how to explain your choice kindly to anyone who might question it
• You can let your maid of honor know exactly what you expect from them, whether that be merely finding ideas for bridal showers, or offering broader assistance on learning how to plan a wedding

Key Questions About Choosing a Maid of Honor

How do you choose a maid of honor?

Choose a maid of honor who can provide the most support during the wedding planning process and on the day of, both emotional and logistical.

Do you have to choose your sister as maid of honor?

No, you do not need to choose your sister as maid of honor if she’s the wrong fit; however, be prepared to kindly explain your decision.

Can you have two maids of honor?

Yes, many brides choose to have two maids of honor, splitting responsibilities between the two.

What does a maid of honor actually do?

The maid of honor provides support as the couple learns how to plan a wedding; determines what is a wedding shower and how will they host it based on their ideas for bridal showers, along with the bachelorette party; and oversees logistics and emotional support during the wedding day.

What’s the difference between a maid of honor and matron of honor?

The maid of honor is unmarried while the matron of honor is married.

What’s the Best Maid of Honor Choice for Your Wedding?

The right person to act as maid of honor for your own wedding is someone who is most likely to support you well, communicate well, and reduce stress instead of adding to it. It’s a matter of choosing the right fit for you, not whom people expect you to choose.

“If that means that you want it to be your dog or your cat, so be it,” Craig says. “It happens. It happens all the time. Really, the world is your oyster.”

Make the wedding planning process easier by learning more about how to plan a wedding and what to do on the day of your wedding. Then, decide, do you need a wedding insurance policy? You can get a quick and convenient online wedding insurance policy quote now.

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